No awkward lesbian experiences without me
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
