Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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