is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
