i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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