Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
