Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
