WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Text me some of your sweat
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
