god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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