last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
