No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
