Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
