think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
