I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
