I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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