**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
