She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
