Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
