ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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