when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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