just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
