every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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