"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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