He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
