I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
