Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
