dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
