if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
