I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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