I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
This house was built for laser tag.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
