Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
