Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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