i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
