we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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