Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
sarcasm needs its own font
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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