I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
