I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just forgot I was standing up.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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