dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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