Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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