So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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