fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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