My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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