I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
