I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
