Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
