ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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