the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
