Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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