Will you blow on my dice?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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