eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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