The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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