im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
